It's taken the better part of 35 years, but I finally traveled overseas, and I've returned a changed man.
I don't know if it was one thing or a mix of all. A honeymoon. A tropical paradise. The relocation from 35°-south to 18°. The aircraft cabin pressure shifts. The adrenalin rush from a live spider handling. The toxins released from dormant muscle fibres kayaking. The nightly buffets of beautiful food. Lack of internet and mobile phones ringing - Maybe it's just the kava still rolling around my liver.
But something is noticeably different about me, so much so, I barely know myself today.
I'm happy !!! In fact I'm so damn happy I could crap my pants and cheer !
I'm sure it's easy to bang-on about your first overseas adventure. It's kind of like your first sex. There's only one “first time”. And let me tell you Vanuatu was a lovely partner to have. My wife agrees too !
The story begins with some tragedy and struggle – My life reads like something between a hypochondriac's check-list and a bad movie script. Few people know the depths of my lifetime struggles and I'm not about to go looking for pity posts now.
But I do know that certain people responsible for making this happiness possible in my life will be reading and, for their benefit, I'd like them to know a little more about me. It is impossible for them to realise just how much their generosity has gone towards repairing THIS one-time broken spirit.
I am eternally thankful for the contributions of Bernie, Sue, James, Kim, Larissa and Ethan. - They know who they are, but are probably mystified about why they get mention here of all places.
Our holiday-honeymoon recently in Vanuatu would not have occurred without their collective love.
Personally, I have endured loss, tragedy, sadness, suffering, pain and grief so large, it would measure on the Richter scale of lesser people and destroy them – After a lifetime of struggle, it damn near destroyed me, when I found my father dead from suicide in 2000.
My mother was born with cerebral palsy. She lost a son when I was 5 to congenital issues, and in a cruel twist, lost twin girls in-utero less than 2 years later. By then, I was 7, and the arrival of my only other brother not long after, was a pleasant and welcome success for my parents. WE relocated to the outskirts of Sydney on 1985 and so began the shaping of my character. But it wasn't all smooth sailing.
In the years aged 12-19 I lost all 4 grandparents – 3 to alcohol related issues. The turbulent teenage years were filled with various depressions and familial upheaval. Through youthful exuberance and good friends, somehow I emerged relatively unscathed, and buried myself in my own interests. Music would be my safe haven. As it turns out, I met my future wife while working in a music store.
Post High school I developed a rare liver disorder, which at first, drastically reduced my expected lifespan. 15 years later, and about as many operations, I'm still here sticking my middle finger up at the clock ! - (Links here and there to both illnesses, if you're keen to know more)
But losing Dad … in 20 short minutes … smashed my whole world into a million pieces of glass !
All of that before… and now THIS – The single most challenging experience of my short 24 years. Repairing the fabric of my family, in the wake of the senseless loss of my father.
Depression, Anxiety and subsequently Bi-Polar Disorder became demons on my shoulder I needed to be aware of. My social life completely gone out the window with the realisation I am the bread-winner with my younger brother still in high school, living in public housing, nursing his disabled and shattered mother back to some form of normality.
The last 11 years have been an arduous journey or re-discovery and overcoming fear. The lines in my face show the battle-scars from the great war I'll forever be in. Someone once described me as “an otherwise interesting collection of damaged goods” - They had zero idea of my story and could not have been more accurate. To this day I wear that description like a badge !
Along the road to recovery, I've made bad choices, and some opportunely good ones too.
In 2004, I publicly announced my commitment to Mrs CK as a partner after many years of being an idiot (she was right there the whole time). This lead our my own children in 2006 and 2007, before an engagement and finally a wedding in 2010.
Even then, the road-blocks of fate still appeared from nowhere to test my resolve. But with my future wife beside me I had reasons to fight again, and not be lost in the fog of depression for decades. The kids both had their problems with health, and my Bi-Polar discovery meant some serious “me-time” was required if I was any chance of being a functioning father figure to my kids.
Some poignant lyrics that guided me from an old Goldfinger song I like read ...
And if I take that drink - I might as well just die.
But if i kill myself - I'll be giving up my try
In the never-ending pursuit of happiness, I've slowly learned to chase after contentment instead.
We got married last October 30th, and on that day some of those demons I mentioned were slayed forever. We made a rash choice to “stress about something positive for a change” and it turned out to be one of the best things we could have ever done. In re-establishing our own terms when it comes to life dramas, we've gained confidence and control like we've never had.
From the moment we'd decided to do so, random folks to me (good friends to my wife) have fallen over themselves to celebrate our union. It's a level of generosity that disorientates me and prevents me from immediately appreciating it. It's only when I get the chance in words like this, where I can let go and pour my heart out.
Which brings me to my honeymoon – And all it's healing properties.
Vanuatu and the people who got me there … will live in my heart until I die. It's soothed my soul, and awakened dormant senses within that I'd long forgotten about.
I had time to think about my life journey over there. How far I've come. How lucky I am. How much hard work it's been to just feel normal again. It occurred to me during the trip I haven't smiled this much for years, and instantly the emotions exploded into a cascade of happy-tears and bitter-sweet regrets.
To anyone who's been a passenger on my ride with a window seat, I just want you all to know … I've returned confident enough to say I'm happy again and it really does feel like it will last.
From the bottom of my heart ... Thank you to all those loved ones who cared to join us in our marriage. I know you think we do it tough, and we like how you admire us … but the story of just how far those struggles goes for me has been well hidden until now.
To finally “feel like” I've emerged past it all, and stick my head in front of the race for once, leaves me the happiest man on the planet today.
And quite possibly the rest of my life.
I don't know if it was one thing or a mix of all. A honeymoon. A tropical paradise. The relocation from 35°-south to 18°. The aircraft cabin pressure shifts. The adrenalin rush from a live spider handling. The toxins released from dormant muscle fibres kayaking. The nightly buffets of beautiful food. Lack of internet and mobile phones ringing - Maybe it's just the kava still rolling around my liver.
But something is noticeably different about me, so much so, I barely know myself today.
I'm happy !!! In fact I'm so damn happy I could crap my pants and cheer !
I'm sure it's easy to bang-on about your first overseas adventure. It's kind of like your first sex. There's only one “first time”. And let me tell you Vanuatu was a lovely partner to have. My wife agrees too !
The story begins with some tragedy and struggle – My life reads like something between a hypochondriac's check-list and a bad movie script. Few people know the depths of my lifetime struggles and I'm not about to go looking for pity posts now.
But I do know that certain people responsible for making this happiness possible in my life will be reading and, for their benefit, I'd like them to know a little more about me. It is impossible for them to realise just how much their generosity has gone towards repairing THIS one-time broken spirit.
I am eternally thankful for the contributions of Bernie, Sue, James, Kim, Larissa and Ethan. - They know who they are, but are probably mystified about why they get mention here of all places.
Our holiday-honeymoon recently in Vanuatu would not have occurred without their collective love.
Personally, I have endured loss, tragedy, sadness, suffering, pain and grief so large, it would measure on the Richter scale of lesser people and destroy them – After a lifetime of struggle, it damn near destroyed me, when I found my father dead from suicide in 2000.
My mother was born with cerebral palsy. She lost a son when I was 5 to congenital issues, and in a cruel twist, lost twin girls in-utero less than 2 years later. By then, I was 7, and the arrival of my only other brother not long after, was a pleasant and welcome success for my parents. WE relocated to the outskirts of Sydney on 1985 and so began the shaping of my character. But it wasn't all smooth sailing.
In the years aged 12-19 I lost all 4 grandparents – 3 to alcohol related issues. The turbulent teenage years were filled with various depressions and familial upheaval. Through youthful exuberance and good friends, somehow I emerged relatively unscathed, and buried myself in my own interests. Music would be my safe haven. As it turns out, I met my future wife while working in a music store.
Post High school I developed a rare liver disorder, which at first, drastically reduced my expected lifespan. 15 years later, and about as many operations, I'm still here sticking my middle finger up at the clock ! - (Links here and there to both illnesses, if you're keen to know more)
But losing Dad … in 20 short minutes … smashed my whole world into a million pieces of glass !
All of that before… and now THIS – The single most challenging experience of my short 24 years. Repairing the fabric of my family, in the wake of the senseless loss of my father.
Depression, Anxiety and subsequently Bi-Polar Disorder became demons on my shoulder I needed to be aware of. My social life completely gone out the window with the realisation I am the bread-winner with my younger brother still in high school, living in public housing, nursing his disabled and shattered mother back to some form of normality.
The last 11 years have been an arduous journey or re-discovery and overcoming fear. The lines in my face show the battle-scars from the great war I'll forever be in. Someone once described me as “an otherwise interesting collection of damaged goods” - They had zero idea of my story and could not have been more accurate. To this day I wear that description like a badge !
Along the road to recovery, I've made bad choices, and some opportunely good ones too.
In 2004, I publicly announced my commitment to Mrs CK as a partner after many years of being an idiot (she was right there the whole time). This lead our my own children in 2006 and 2007, before an engagement and finally a wedding in 2010.
Even then, the road-blocks of fate still appeared from nowhere to test my resolve. But with my future wife beside me I had reasons to fight again, and not be lost in the fog of depression for decades. The kids both had their problems with health, and my Bi-Polar discovery meant some serious “me-time” was required if I was any chance of being a functioning father figure to my kids.
Some poignant lyrics that guided me from an old Goldfinger song I like read ...
And if I take that drink - I might as well just die.
But if i kill myself - I'll be giving up my try
In the never-ending pursuit of happiness, I've slowly learned to chase after contentment instead.
We got married last October 30th, and on that day some of those demons I mentioned were slayed forever. We made a rash choice to “stress about something positive for a change” and it turned out to be one of the best things we could have ever done. In re-establishing our own terms when it comes to life dramas, we've gained confidence and control like we've never had.
From the moment we'd decided to do so, random folks to me (good friends to my wife) have fallen over themselves to celebrate our union. It's a level of generosity that disorientates me and prevents me from immediately appreciating it. It's only when I get the chance in words like this, where I can let go and pour my heart out.
Which brings me to my honeymoon – And all it's healing properties.
Vanuatu and the people who got me there … will live in my heart until I die. It's soothed my soul, and awakened dormant senses within that I'd long forgotten about.
I had time to think about my life journey over there. How far I've come. How lucky I am. How much hard work it's been to just feel normal again. It occurred to me during the trip I haven't smiled this much for years, and instantly the emotions exploded into a cascade of happy-tears and bitter-sweet regrets.
To anyone who's been a passenger on my ride with a window seat, I just want you all to know … I've returned confident enough to say I'm happy again and it really does feel like it will last.
From the bottom of my heart ... Thank you to all those loved ones who cared to join us in our marriage. I know you think we do it tough, and we like how you admire us … but the story of just how far those struggles goes for me has been well hidden until now.
To finally “feel like” I've emerged past it all, and stick my head in front of the race for once, leaves me the happiest man on the planet today.
And quite possibly the rest of my life.