In 2008, I suffered a massive mental breakdown. It was brutally spectacular. I'd gotten myself into a situation where the guilt of not being who I thought I should be, resulted in me making some bad choices and winding up with NO job and $10K of debt. I burnt myself out physically and mentally over the course of 6 months trying to maintain 60hrs a week of work and travel with the demands of raising two young (and often ill) children.
Ultimately I was doomed to fail. And I did. And the guilt doubled. I couldn't enjoy anymore than the first few seconds of the each day, before the crushing realisation of my actions came back to my consciousness and I'd be in tears again. How could I be so stupid ? How did allow myself to think it was possible ? What am I going to to do if X,Y or Z happens ???
Depression set in. The contents inside my head swirled like a whirlpool of debris in a flood. Sleep patterns went out the window. The final straw was when at 4am watching Discovery Channel documentaries, I burst into tears after spending 45 minutes consuming an episode only to miss the climax at the end. Clearly, something was very, very wrong with me.
So here we are some 3 years later - I wont into great detail about the road to recovery this time because that's a whole other blog in itself. By the short version is I was diagnosed with "Bi-Polar Disorder", took 12 months off from all commitments to look after myself and enrolled myself into some CBT. Nowadays I recognise the need to manage the problem, and I embrace the inner-crazy guy like he's the devil on my shoulder. Lord knows it hasn't been easy. But it's also provided opportunities for growth in areas I could have never have imagined.
The internet has provided me with vital outlets. Forums like (the now defunct) Big Brother, Masterchef, The Kennel, Triple J, among many others are excellent sources of humour and belly-aching laughs. Some of the most hilarious characters I've met in my entire life exist there. Come to think of it, there are complete strangers online I talk to about thing so private not even some of my family know.
Long story short, I've learned a bunch of tricks, I've seen the best in the internet in communities galvanising for a common cause, and I've seen the worst of it from the most disturbing and graphic, to the most banal yet oddly enthralling snapshots of modernity. Social media proven to be my surrogate course in IT and marketing. It's been noted I possess some writing skill and would make a good copywriter (something I'd never considered). I have a knack for building a community of online like-minds and directing them to greater things.
Which (finally) brings me to this blog - Have you heard of the No Pants Train Ride ???
Those nearest and dearest to me will already know, but for the benefit of those who have traveled this far down my yellow-bricked road, the NPSR is an annual global event which began in 2002 by a fellow named Charlie Todd. He is a senior ringleader in the group Improv Everywhere based in New York, and started a tradition that could ultimately wind up being my ongoing legacy to the city of Sydney.
As part of my recovery from "the meltdown", the internet served as a great distraction. I could learn things, share laughs and ideas all the while tending to my wounds. I came across an alert for No Pants and upon discovering Sydney was not a participant, I decided I'd take it on and "host" it from scratch. That's right ... it's ALL me. I host it, created the site, send out the alerts, get Police approval and lead dozens of people around Sydney on a train ride minus their pants ! - There's no reason behind it. No cause other than "just because".
These were meant to be the first tentative steps toward confidence within a public arena post-depression. For someone like me who is acutely media-aware, likes privacy, is low in confidence and shaky-of-mind ... it's been quite the leap of faith in my own abilities.
The Sydney leg of the NPSR has been going for 3 years now and could very well turn out to be one of the greatest success stories of my life. We concluded our most recent ride last January (2011) with a cast of some 90 people over 2 rides on 2 days. To date we've had a total of 160+ participants, beginning with a small band of 20 pioneers in 2009. We've been in newspapers in Sydney, on live TV (Sunrise windows) and have drawn the attention of many media keen for an interview.
What started as a harmless and fun idea, has now become somewhat of a driving force in my management of my mental illness. Every January I can re-start the clock and measure how far I've come. From bed-ridden fool, to co-ordinator of an annual prank for the benefit of thousands of random smiles, and online web designer, copywriter and marketer of my own event, where people remove their pants and ride a train simply because I ask them.
The Moral of this story isn't "good on you CK" - It's "you're meant to be, where you're meant to be".
Ideally I would have preferred the chance to fix the problems I'd created for myself all that time ago, and not go through the dark hours of questioning within for the painful answers. Maybe it's all a simple case of "when life throws you lemons, make lemonade !". Or maybe it IS the under-currents of the world correcting the balance in my life ?
The odd thing is, this event has been a purely organic experience and maintains it's pure intentions. None of it has been designed to fix me and it's become exactly what I've needed.
Footnote : Check out my "other" site - The Sydney No Pants Subway Ride. And by all means, feel free to invite yourself next time.